The Best One Liners
If you have any good one liners to contribute, please e-mail them to me.
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Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick." How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
A duck walks into a drugstore
and says "Give me some chapstick...and put it on my bill"! Constipated People Don't Give A crap . Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. If At First You Don't Succeed, Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person You! Out Of The Gene Pool! If Sex Is A Pain In The butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong... Fight Crime: Shoot Back! If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph... Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge Ax Me About Ebonics Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere Cat: The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde Heart Attacks ... How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down... Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks! Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
A jumper-cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll
serve you... but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please and one for the road." Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other: "I'll man the guns, you drive" I had a dream last night, thought I was a muffler. Woke up Exhausted. What do You call a Camel Without A Hump? "Humpfrey" |
